


I Promise It Was Worth Every Scar

by ThereIsNoTragedyInThat



Series: Somewhere Between Kansas and the Open Road [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s12e11 Regarding Dean, Fluff and Angst, Gen, POV Sam Winchester, Sad and Sweet, Season/Series 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:14:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23798272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat/pseuds/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat
Summary: Sam reflects on Dean losing his memory.Sam Winchester Bingo Fill B4: Amnesia
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: Somewhere Between Kansas and the Open Road [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1698406
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35
Collections: Sam Winchester Bingo





	I Promise It Was Worth Every Scar

Sam stared out the window of the Impala as streetlights flew past his vision again and again. The interior was dark, the cover of night giving him some small reprieve from the chaotic emotions twisting his gut. They left Rowena in the Witch’s house, her eyes alight with cruel intensity as she flitted from room to room. Sam knew it was a bad idea to leave her there with who knows what within her grasp, but he was grateful enough to let it slide this time.

Still, it would have been nice to bring her with them, to have her fill the thick silence with her abrupt remarks and curt insults. As it was, tension crackled in the air between them, their usual comfortable space long gone as they both thought about the hellish day they’d just had.

Casting a glance at Dean, Sam found his brother peering intently out the window, fingers drumming restlessly on the leather of the steering wheel, hand occasionally following the shape of it down, caressing the grooves from years of use that marked his own hands and their dad’s. The sight sent an ache to Sam’s heart, along with the pinch in his brother’s expression, the one that said he was doing a hell of a lot of repressing.

Sam did not blame him, he’d seen the fear in Dean’s eyes, one that was light years beyond their usual brand. Sure, death was always a possibility, even if cheating it had become something of a habit, a familiar inconsequential fear. There was also the threat of abandonment, being the last one standing among the bodies yet again, left to scramble for a way to reverse it, to fine their 2way home to each other. That one was the emptiest and aching of them all, constant in the back of your mind, helpless. Then, there was of course, the fear that every hunter struggled with; failure, of being too late, too slow, too clumsy. Failing had its own taste of fear, the one that held that bitter but inevitable edge.

This…this had been something different. Sam supposed Dean must have been exactly where Sam was at some point, all those years ago when Lucifer had been playing around in his mind and madness was ready to leave him with nothing of what Sam was. The difference was that Sam had still known exactly who he was, who was torturing him day in and day out and why. He knew Dean, and knew his brother, no matter what he said, would be doing everything in his power to fix him.

Yeah, that had been different.

There was a stinging behind Sam’s eyes, forcing him to look away from where Dean was still hyper focused on the road. His hands curled into fists where they were tucked carefully in his jacket pockets and he took a few steadying breaths as subtly as possible. Sitting in that bathroom with Dean, explaining away their lives and the memories that had already slipped from his brother’s grasp…well that possibility had never come to mind. He had never thought Dean would forget them, not because of some spell, not when they’d overcome so much. Still…Sam would have dealt with it, he was good at that, would have made his brother comfortable until he found a solution and he’d be none the wiser.

Except.

Except the expression on Dean’s face and the heart-wrenching fear and uncertainty in eyes had been torture in of itself. Sam didn’t like helplessness, he knew it was an inherent part of the job and their lives, knew he had little choice but in that situation, well seeing his big brother fall apart had never gotten any easier. Nostalgia had dug its claws deep while Sam spoke to him hesitantly, trying to find the words to tell him that their lives hadn’t been easy, hadn’t been all that good in the grand scheme of things…but it was theirs. Their life that they had forged from death and blood and rage and love and hope and stubbornness. This life that had fallen jumbled and unpleasant from his lips was worth something, to him and to Dean.

“You alright?”

The sound of Dean’s gruff voice knocked him from his head. Sam met Dean’s eyes, knew his brother could read him like an open book and was surprised by how much the realization warmed his heart instead of annoyed him now.

“I’m good.”

Dean watched him for a minute, gaze flicking toward the road intermittently, before he shook his head a little and looked away, lips twisting. His brother knew a lie when he heard one, but Sam was grateful he’d also gotten better at picking his battles since they were younger. Tonight, Dean had been the one who had nearly lost everything, and Sam didn’t want to draw attention to himself, knew Dean would only be all too happy to have an excuse to forget about his ordeal and start fussing.

“I’m happy that I have my memories back you know,” Sam blinked. Stared at his brother whose hands had tightened around the wheel, betraying his usual discomfort with discussing his feelings. “And not just because I felt like I should remember. I didn’t want to forget us or what we’ve done.”

Inelegant and to the point. A strained smile came to Sam’s lips and Dean rolled his eyes when he finally looked over at him but soon enough, he was smiling to, satisfied that he’d managed to pull Sam from his melancholy thoughts. Something small and content clicked into place and Sam was surprised by the wave of relief that came from hearing those words spoken aloud.

He had been afraid. Afraid that maybe Dean wished he’d been allowed to forget all the pain and suffering he’d endured. Sam could still remember with startling clarity an afternoon that was several lifetimes ago now, of them sitting on the hood of the impala with tears streaming down his brother’s face as he recounted Hell and torture and the breaking of a man’s soul. If he could take back one thing from his brother’s life it would have been those memories and part of him wondered if this would have been that chance.

Dean reached over quite suddenly, calloused hand landing solidly against his shoulder as he squeezed lightly. He didn’t look at Sam, didn’t pretend the move was anything out of the ordinary because it wasn’t, not for them. It was a silent declaration that they made all too often…the promise that they were there. The two of them. Together.


End file.
